Do We Ever Get Over That First Crush?
I’m on Cloud Nine, folks, absolutely giddy over the four-and-a-half-out-of-five “fangs” review of Dragon posted by paranormal author, Kristy Berridge, on her blog a few days ago. Click the link under her picture to check it out…
How about that? Yeah, I’m still dancing
around days later, even though it’s not the highest-rated review I’ve had for
this book (in fact, it’s the lowest, but, never mind, that’s not the point).
Why? Well, I’m ‘a tell you why, right now.
I’ve been waiting for this review for a while,
with more than the usual trepidation. (I actually wrote most of this blog post over
a month ago, when I first realized what was going on.) You see, when I
published my first novel in 2011, I was introduced to Kristy’s blog and was
impressed with her clever postings and conscientious reviews. I read and
reviewed her novel, The Hunted, which
I enjoyed. I gave her a copy of my novel to review.
She took her own sweet time getting around
to reading it (she later told me the original cover put her off), so I was a
little surprised when the second book popped up on her “recent reads” list as
quickly as it did. It stayed at the top for a long time, and I kept expecting
the review to appear any day. It didn’t. In fact, other books on the list
seemed like they were getting bumped ahead of it. Normally, I would let this
kind of thing go, but in Kristy’s case, it bothered me.
As the weeks dragged on, I began to get more
and more anxious. I started poking around in other venues to see if she’d
posted the review on Amazon or Goodreads and was just waiting for the right
time to put it on her blog. You know, when other obligations were out of the
way. Eventually, I decided that she hated the book and was wrestling with how
to give it a bad review and not hurt my feelings.
That’s
okay, I thought. Just be honest,
Kristy. I can take it. Go ahead and get it over with. And why should I care
anyway? My books aren’t for everyone. Some people like them. Some people don’t.
But I really wanted Kristy to like it, and I
instantly understood why when I ran across her profile picture on Goodreads.
Check it out…
When I saw that smile, my heart skipped a beat.
You see, I was the occasional lucky recipient of that smile from another girl
long ago. Yep, that's right. I had become a victim of what we call in the counseling profession, counter-transference, something that
happens when a counselor projects the personality of someone he’s known in the
past onto a client.
I wanted to please an old girlfriend. And not
just any old girlfriend. Kristy Berridge
was Jackie, the girl I had a huge crush on from my adolescent years all through high
school, and, although I haven’t seen her for 45 years, even today.
Not to take anything away from Kristy (which
can be one of the dangers of counter-transference, by the way). If the above photo is any indication, Kristy
Berridge is a babe. Plus, she’s funny
and clever, writes paranormal fantasy novels, and has that slightly exotic
factor of being from Australia. For a sci-fi/fantasy/paranormal geek like me,
that’s quite a package. We’re talking Wonder
Woman status. Definitely crush material.
But she’s not Jackie.
When I choose to look back over my long list
of regrets (not a recommended activity), Jackie is at the top. We met in
the 4th grade, I think, and I liked her instantly. I demonstrated my affection
in all the ways young boys with no social skills do. I sat near her whenever
the teachers would allow. I poked her with my pencil. I pulled her hair. I hid
her books from her. I pestered her incessantly until she begged me to leave her
alone.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
If Jackie ever went through that awkward
phase of growth most teenagers go through I don’t remember. By the time I
realized I liked her that way she had
grown into a graceful young woman. She was poised and she was genuine. She
never played any of those head games the other girls did. I, on the other hand,
was clumsy and out-of-synch throughout my teenage years, especially when I was
around her.
My family moved across
town while I was in junior high, and Jackie and I ended up going to separate high schools. We dated a number of
times, things like a movie, miniature golf, or bowling, and I took her to my
prom, but each time was traumatic for me. It would take me weeks to work up the
courage to call and ask her out, and I was always amazed and overjoyed when she
said yes. My moments of joy were short-lived, however, because I immediately
began to worry about the date and how I would act. By the time date night came
around, I’d be a nervous wreck.
Before picking her up, I’d take an extra lap
around her block, then sit in the car nervously rehearsing what to say when she
answered the door. In the days before bucket seats, Jackie would scoot close to
me while I drove. I don’t know why she did it, whether she wanted to be near me
or thought it was dating protocol, but sometimes it helped me get up enough
courage to put my arm around her. When I did, I often cold-cocked her with an
elbow, smoothie that I was. I’m not kidding, it happened more than twice. Through
the years, I’ve had the occasional unpleasant fantasy where Jackie’s cuddling
with her lover after a satisfying round of sex. He gently strokes her brow and
asks…
What’s
this knot on your forehead?
Oh, that’s where this dorky guy I went out with
in high school kept hitting me with his elbow. The doctor says I’m okay, as
long as it doesn’t happen again.
(Shudder) It’s not one of my favorite
daydreams.
I think we went out twice the summer we
graduated from high school. I remember getting drunk one weekend my freshman year in college
and calling her. She told me she was seeing someone. I gave up after that. Our
paths never crossed again.
I could never be myself around her. Not
that I had a clue what “myself” was at the time, but with other girls I didn’t
care so much what they thought of me and so I could be more at ease. Why not
with Jackie? I know I felt guilty and embarrassed at how I’d treated her in
grade school. I know I was afraid of the vulnerability she’d see if she knew
just how deeply she had me in thrall. Mostly I was afraid that if she really got to know me she wouldn’t like
what she saw.
Do we
ever get over that first crush?
For me, the answer is obviously, no. Oh, I
moved on a long time ago. More than once since then I’ve been convinced that
I’ve found the one in another girl.
And if things really happen for a reason, like some folks claim, then it’s
probably for the best we weren’t together. Most likely I would have dragged her
along the self-destructive path down which I’d already started. She deserved
better, and I hope she got it.
But I’ll never be over her. She’ll continue to sneak into a random thought, or a
daydream, or be reincarnated in a smile in the photograph of another pretty
woman on the other side of the world.
But, I digress. Y’all should read a couple
of pretty good books I wrote. Here’s how to get them. Just click on the link
for the reading format of your choice:
The Draculata Nest -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Click on the link to order:
ebook for Kindleebook for Nook ebook for Kobo in Paperback in Charlotte
Smashwords
ebook for Kindle
The Dragon of Doughton Park ----------------------------------------------------------
Click on the link to order:
ebook for Kindleebook for Nook ebook for Kobo in Paperback
in Charlotte Smashwords
ebook for Kindle
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